Also, I am insane

A list of things I don't know: 

1) What city I will live in when January comes 

2) If I will be accepted by the schools to which I am applying 

3) If I will even want to GO to the schools to which I am applying 

4) Whether I will be any of the things I imagine I want to be

5) What I will do tomorrow

6) If America will remain the protected bubble it has heretofore been 

or

6b) If there is war and terror waiting for us as there is for Mumbai, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Palestine, the Congo...

7) If my sister will make it till next month.  Or tomorrow. 

8) What I want 

9) What I need

10) What I will wear (tomorrow that is, for now I am covered)

I am pretty sure that most of those "I don't knows" fall into the maxims, "do not worry about your life..." or "do not worry about your body", that our Lord spoke to some grubby bunch of Palestinians 2000 years ago.  Hard to see why it applies to a 21st century, 22 year old American woman.  Except that the questions remain more or less the same: what will I eat? what will I drink? what will happen to me?  will I be ok? more than ok, will I really live?  and what, Lord, what do I matter anyway?  

I matter more than a sparrow, apparently, more than a lily of the field, although given what I see in the filth of humanity, perhaps a little bird or flower deserves more kindness than a person.  Apparently I ought not be anxious.  Still.  How painful it is not to worry when the life to come stretches like a blank canvas, unrolling in wide, white swaths of nothingness?  

I do not SEE how I shall be taken care of, in fact, I see more clearly how I shall be left out to dry.  

But (what an important and very small word) because of Who issues the command I am called to wait in hope for what is to come.  Not, I think, that what is to come is all sunshine and white-picket fences.   In fact, I bet it will be hard.  Oh, even awful, perhaps horrific too.  Wherein does the hope lie, then?  Not in the things to come, necessarily, though along with the horrific there will probably be beauty too-- it is a statistical likelihood.  No.  Not in those things.  Nor in myself.  Oh God, not in myself.  But Him, He who has bound this world and Himself by the beams of a cross and a covenant of blood.  

Teach me to see You, Lord, with eyes that perceive the Unseen, for I am poor and needy and have nothing but You.  

Things I know: 

1) I will make a pot of coffee tomorrow morning

2) My bed looks real inviting and warm right now 

3) I like the slippers I am wearing because they are snug on my feet 

4) Tonight, I am going to be ok